Alternative Solutions
by Nomad1
Summary: An anonymous quote causes a stir, the president tries to apologise to his wife, and Sam faces a day of embarrassment.


Alternative Solutions 

By Nomad   
May 2002

Spoilers: 
A few facts from "ITSOTG2" 

Disclaimer: 
I do not own these characters; I am not Aaron Sorkin. Although, just for today, I'm pretending to be. 

Author's Note: 
I'm up to my ears in transcripts for various reasons at the moment, and that inspired me to try my hand at writing a little West Wing script myself.   
Why am I writing this when I should be working on DtVS? Because I suffer from FADS (Fanfic Attention Deficit Syndrome), a surprisingly common affliction that results in a pathological desire to start new fics before I finish the old ones. 

* * *

TEASER:

**CJ**  
Arrogant jackass!

FADE IN   
INT. WHITE HOUSE CORRIDOR   
_CJ walking_.

**CJ**  
Swollen-headed, pompous, bitter, ill-informed and arrogant jackass!

_JOSH enters._

**JOSH**   
Wow. That's... some anger you're working off there, Claudia Jean. 

**CJ**   
I'll say. 

_She thrusts a piece of paper into his hands. He reads it as they walk._

**JOSH**   
One of our guys said this? 

**CJ**   
They did. 

**JOSH**   
In response to...? 

**CJ**   
The thing about Leo. 

**JOSH**   
The thing about Leo? 

**CJ**   
Yeah. 

**JOSH**   
So this guy Kolberg totally trashes Leo, and one of our guys calls him a... swollen-headed, pompous, bitter, ill-informed jackass? 

**CJ**   
Also arrogant. 

**JOSH**   
And we care about this because...? 

**CJ**   
We don't. 

**JOSH**   
See, that's what I thought. 

**CJ**   
Except that we're the White House. And, officially, we care. 

**JOSH**   
Because it's unprofessional. 

**CJ**   
Yeah. 

**JOSH**   
As opposed to what that guy wrote about Leo? 

**CJ**   
Yeah. 

**JOSH**   
So we're looking for the quotee? 

**CJ**   
Not very hard. 

**JOSH**   
That's what I like to hear. 

_TOBY comes up from behind and joins them._

**TOBY**   
Where's Sam? 

**JOSH**   
I don't know, Toby, did he slip his leash again? 

**TOBY**   
He's late. 

**CJ**   
It's probably traffic. 

**TOBY**   
There's traffic every day, he wasn't expecting it? 

**CJ**   
He'll be here, Toby. Did you see the quote? 

**TOBY**   
Swollen-headed jackass? 

**JOSH**   
Also pompous, bitter and ill-informed. 

**CJ**   
And arrogant. 

**TOBY**   
Tell the press we're investigating. 

**CJ**   
I plan to, Toby. 

**TOBY**   
Are we? 

**CJ**   
Not very hard. 

**TOBY**   
Sam needs to be here half an hour ago. I have a twenty-seven page proposal. 

**CJ**   
Of marriage? 

**TOBY**   
Twenty-seven pages, CJ! I need it down to three. 

**JOSH**   
Couldn't you just photocopy it really small? 

**CJ**   
Why are you making Sam summarise it? 

**TOBY**   
He needs to learn about the importance of brevity. [_Glances at his watch._] Also punctuality. [_Shouts_] Ginger! 

_TOBY peels off in the direction of communications. JOSH looks at CJ._

**JOSH**   
One of our guys really said that? 

**CJ**   
Yeah. 

**JOSH** [_Grinning_]   
Cool. 

_CJ walks away as we follow JOSH into-_

INT. JOSH'S OFFICE (CONTINUOUS)   
_DONNA follows him in._

**DONNA**   
Josh, you've got a thing. 

**JOSH** [_Rummaging at his desk_]   
I have many things, Donna. 

**DONNA**   
A meeting. 

_She hands him a folder, with a sticky note attached. JOSH peers at it._

**JOSH**   
I have a meeting with 'with'? 

**DONNA**   
You have a meeting with WITS. 

**JOSH**   
That's an 's'? 

**DONNA**   
It's perfectly clear. 

**JOSH**   
Apart from the part where it looks like an 'h'. 

**DONNA**   
To people who can't read. 

**JOSH**   
Donna, who or what are WITS? 

**DONNA**   
Something you're obviously lacking in this morning. 

**JOSH**   
Donna. 

**DONNA**   
Women in Technology and Science. 

**JOSH**   
I have a meeting with Women in Technology and Science? 

**DONNA**   
Yes. 

**JOSH**   
All of them? 

**DONNA**   
Maybe just a sample selection. 

**JOSH**   
What do they want to talk to me about? 

**DONNA**   
It's all in the folder, Josh. 

**JOSH**   
Yes, but that would involve me caring enough to open it. 

**DONNA**   
Josh. 

**JOSH**   
Donna, what do they want? 

**DONNA**   
Money. 

**JOSH**   
From me? 

**DONNA**   
From the government. 

**JOSH**   
To do what? 

**DONNA**   
To encourage more women to go into science and technology careers. 

**JOSH**   
Why does that take money? 

**DONNA**   
Lots of women in America, Josh. 

**JOSH**   
Yes. And none of them are me. Send them to somebody else. 

**DONNA**   
Josh. 

**JOSH**   
Donna, I have important things to do this morning. 

**DONNA**   
This is important. 

**JOSH**   
You're doing the face again. 

**DONNA**   
What face? 

**JOSH**   
That face. 

**DONNA**   
This is my 'this is important' face. 

**JOSH**   
Well, it's not working. 

**DONNA**   
Josh. 

**JOSH**   
Donna, I have... things. To do. This Hawkman thing is still up in the air, I have to deal with that. And frankly, any meeting that involves me and a bunch of women with a mission that I don't want to talk to is not going to end well. 

**DONNA**   
This is true. 

**JOSH**   
Have somebody else take the meeting. 

**DONNA**   
There's nobody else. 

**JOSH**   
I'll talk to Leo. 

_He turns to go._

**DONNA** [_Calling after him_]   
Women in technology are our future, Josh! 

**JOSH** [_Calling back_]   
Your future, Donna, I'm not having a sex change. 

CUT TO:   
INT. JOSH'S BULLPEN (CONTINUOUS)   
_We see a lot of people looking at JOSH. He blinks at them for a moment._

**JOSH** [_To the room_]   
I'm really not. 

_He hurries away._

END TEASER.

SMASH CUT TO:   
MAIN TITLES

ACT ONE:

FADE IN:   
INT. LEO'S OFFICE   
_LEO is at his desk. JOSH, CJ and TOBY stand in front of him._

**LEO** [_Not looking up from his work_]   
Josh; what's going on with Hawkman? 

**JOSH**   
We're on it. 

**LEO**   
Toby? Where's that proposal? 

**TOBY**   
It's a mess. I'm having Sam summarise it. 

_LEO finally looks up, and frowns._

**LEO**   
Where is Sam? 

**JOSH**   
He's not here. 

**LEO** [_Sarcastic_]   
Thanks for that. 

**CJ**   
It's probably traffic. 

**LEO**   
He's worked here how many years now, he didn't expect there to be traffic? 

_CJ just shrugs._

**LEO**   
Okay. Get to work. 

_TOBY leaves; both JOSH and CJ hang back._

**JOSH**   
Leo, about this WITS thing- 

**LEO**   
Women in technology? 

**JOSH**   
Yeah. 

**LEO**   
Take the meeting, Josh. 

_He goes back to his papers as JOSH leaves, and then registers that CJ is still there._

**LEO** [_Impatiently_]   
CJ, was there something...? 

**CJ** [_Hesitantly_]   
Leo, about this quote- 

**LEO** [_Dismissively_]   
I'm on it. 

**CJ**   
I'm just saying, you shouldn't- 

**LEO**   
CJ- 

**CJ**   
-You shouldn't take it too seriously- 

_LEO looks up and frowns at her._

**LEO**   
CJ, this is the White House. We take everything seriously. 

**CJ**   
It was loyalty, Leo. 

**LEO**   
It was amateur, CJ! We can't have our guys running their mouths off every time somebody writes something we don't like! 

**CJ**   
Okay. 

**LEO**   
Okay. 

_CJ starts to leave; LEO calls after her._

**LEO**   
CJ. 

**CJ**   
Yeah? 

**LEO**   
Swollen-headed, pompous, ill-informed and arrogant jackass? 

**CJ**   
Yeah. 

**LEO**   
Okay. 

_CJ starts to leave, then hesitates in the doorway._

**CJ**   
Leo. 

**LEO**   
Yeah? 

**CJ**   
You know he's all those things and more, right? 

**LEO**   
Yeah. 

_He goes back to his work._

CUT TO:   
INT. JOSH'S BULLPEN   
_DONNA stands up as JOSH approaches, carrying the folder she gave him._

**DONNA**   
Did you speak to Leo about the meeting? 

**JOSH**   
Yeah. 

**DONNA**   
What did he say? 

**JOSH**   
He said you should do it. 

_He hands her the folder and walks off._

CUT TO:   
INT. WHITE HOUSE CORRIDOR   
_DONNA is walking along with the folder. She sees something off-screen, stops, and frowns._

**DONNA**   
Sam? 

_SAM is standing with a file folder held up so we can't see his face._

**SAM** [_Not lowering it_]   
Hi, Donna. 

**DONNA**   
Uh, Sam? 

**SAM**   
Yeah? 

**DONNA**   
What are you doing? 

**SAM** [_Innocently_]   
What? 

**DONNA** [_Gesturing_]   
With the folder. 

**SAM**   
Reading. 

**DONNA**   
Sam, what are you hiding? 

**SAM**   
It's nothing. 

**DONNA**   
Sam. 

**SAM**   
Really. 

**DONNA** [_Pointedly_]   
Sam... 

_SAM hesitates, then start to lower the folder. We cut to DONNA to see her reaction._

**DONNA**   
Wow. 

CUT TO:   
INT. BEDROOM IN THE RESIDENCE   
_BARTLET is adjusting his tie in front of a mirror. ABBEY wanders in, fiddling with her earrings. _

**BARTLET** [_Not looking round_]   
Hey. 

**ABBEY** [_Mildly irritated_]   
Hey yourself. 

_She waits for a moment, but he doesn't turn._

**ABBEY**   
I'm off to this thing in Maryland today. 

**BARTLET** [_Still fiddling with his tie_]   
Yeah. 

**ABBEY**   
I'm all dressed up. 

**BARTLET** [_Preoccupied_]   
Uh-huh. 

_He still doesn't turn._

**ABBEY**   
I'm actually here in the room with you, Jed. 

**BARTLET** [_Turning_]   
Huh? 

**ABBEY**   
I have a thing. In Maryland. I'm all dressed up. 

_She spreads her arms to display her outfit._

**BARTLET**   
And you look nice. 

_He turns back to the mirror._

**ABBEY**   
Gee, thanks. [_After a moment_] It wouldn't kill you to take a little interest, you know. 

**BARTLET** [_Facing her again_]   
Sorry. I have some important things this morning. 

**ABBEY** [_Frostily_]   
Important? 

**BARTLET** [_Not picking up the tone_]   
Yeah. 

**ABBEY**   
As opposed to my thing? 

_He pauses, midway through adjusting his jacket._

**BARTLET**   
You see what I did there? 

**ABBEY**   
Share it with me, why don't you? 

**BARTLET**   
I accidentally cast aspersions on the importance of your thing. 

**ABBEY**   
So you did. 

**BARTLET**   
And obviously, that's not something I want to be doing. 

**ABBEY**   
Don't worry about it. 

**BARTLET** [_Warily_]   
No? 

**ABBEY**   
No. You know why? 

**BARTLET**   
I suspect I'm about to be told. 

**ABBEY**   
Because you're a very important man. 

**BARTLET**   
Abbey- 

**ABBEY**   
And obviously, you know, your things are gonna be more important than my thing. It stands to reason. 

**BARTLET**   
Abbey- 

**ABBEY** [_Headed for the door_]   
So I'll just quit bothering you. 

**BARTLET** [_Starting to get exasperated_]   
For God's sake, Abbey, I just- 

**ABBEY**   
My plane leaves in three hours. Don't bother to see me off. [_After a moment_] After all, it's not that important. 

_She leaves. BARTLET stares after her for a moment._

**BARTLET** [_quietly_]   
Damn. 

_He yanks the knot in his tie undone and starts to do it again._

CUT TO:   
INT. OUTSIDE OVAL OFFICE   
_LEO walks up to join BARTLET as they head inside._

**LEO**   
Mr. President. 

**BARTLET**   
Leo. 

**LEO**   
You read the quote. 

**BARTLET**   
Yeah. 

CUT TO:   
INT. OVAL OFFICE (CONTINOUS)   
_BARTLET makes for his desk._

**LEO**   
We're looking for the source. 

**BARTLET**   
Do we have to? 

**LEO**   
It makes us look unprofessional. 

**BARTLET**   
Because we tell the truth? 

**LEO**   
Sir... 

**BARTLET** [_Waving it away_]   
Whatever. 

**LEO** [_Frowning_]   
Mr. President? You seem a little... 

**BARTLET** [_Sharply_]   
A little what, Leo? 

**LEO**   
Frankly, you seem a little pissed this morning. 

**BARTLET**   
I can't imagine why that would be, Leo. 

**LEO**   
Mr. President- 

**BARTLET**   
I had an argument with my wife. 

**LEO**   
What did you do? 

**BARTLET**   
What makes you think I did something? 

**LEO**   
Experience. 

**BARTLET** [_Giving him a look_]   
I may have inadvertently suggested that my work is more important than anything she does. [_LEO winces_] Although, technically, that's true. 

**LEO**   
And I'm sure it'll go down well if you point that out to her, Mr. President. 

**BARTLET**   
It's my fault. 

**LEO**   
Yes it is. 

_BARTLET gives him a look._

**BARTLET**   
I don't take my wife for granted, Leo. 

**LEO**   
Of course not. 

**BARTLET**   
It's just that I'm very busy at the moment. 

**LEO**   
And of course, you're sure to be getting less busy any day now. 

**BARTLET**   
You know, technically I could fire your ass any time I wanted. 

**LEO**   
You think you can run this country without me? 

**BARTLET**   
I'm becoming increasingly willing to try. 

**LEO**   
Yeah. 

_BARTLET sighs and sits down at his desk._

**BARTLET**   
I have to make my wife realise I really do appreciate her. 

**LEO**   
Yeah. 

**BARTLET** [_Decisively_]   
You know what I need? A strategy. 

**LEO**   
Or a personality transplant. 

**BARTLET**   
Go away. 

**LEO**   
Yes, sir. 

_Smirking, he leaves the room._

CUT TO:   
INT. COMMUNICATIONS BULLPEN   
_Back view of SAM walking._

Camera pushes in on BONNIE, sitting alone in the bullpen. She looks up and her eyes widen.

Camera slowly pans around to SAM, and reveals that he is sporting a spectacular black eye.

**BONNIE** [_Beginning to grin_]   
Been in a fight, Sam? 

**SAM** [_Quietly and very fast_]   
Hit myself in the face with a door, okay? 

**BONNIE**   
Excuse me? 

**SAM**   
I accidentally hit myself in the face with a door. 

**BONNIE**   
In the face? 

**SAM**   
Yes. 

**BONNIE**   
With a door? 

**SAM**   
Yes. 

**BONNIE**   
You accidentally hit yourself in the face with a door? 

**SAM**   
I did. 

_He hurriedly passes her and heads towards his office. BONNIE calls after him._

**BONNIE**   
We have these things, we call them door handles- 

**SAM**   
Leave me alone. 

CUT TO:   
INT. SAM'S OFFICE (CONTINUOUS)   
_TOBY is sitting waiting for him. He looks up, and then blinks._

**TOBY**   
Sam? 

**SAM**   
It was a door. 

**TOBY**   
You were physically assaulted by a door? 

**SAM**   
I hit myself in the face. 

**TOBY**   
You tried to walk through it before it was open? 

**SAM**   
It was a completely random accident that could have happened to anybody. 

**TOBY**   
Only if they were you. 

**SAM**   
Can we, I don't know, go back to work and never ever mention this again? 

**TOBY**   
Well, the phrase 'back to work' would seem to imply that you'd actually done some work already. Which, obviously, is not the case. 

**SAM**   
Toby- 

**TOBY** [_Nodding at a folder on the desk_]   
I've got a twenty-seven page proposal for you to summarise. 

**SAM**   
Me? 

**TOBY**   
You. 

**SAM**   
I'm not, oh, a few hundred times too qualified? 

_TOBY just looks at him, until he starts to shift uncomfortably._

**TOBY**   
I'm not sure you can be self-righteous after failing to figure out how to walk through a door. 

**SAM**   
I'll go now. 

_He snatches up the folder and beats a quick retreat._

**TOBY**   
Watch out for that door on your way out. 

FADE OUT.

END ACT ONE.

ACT TWO:

FADE IN:   
INT. OVAL OFFICE   
_BARTLET is at his desk. He looks up as CHARLIE comes in._

**BARTLET**   
Charlie! Did you clear my schedule? 

**CHARLIE**   
Yes, sir, although I'm still not sure why- 

**BARTLET**   
I am a man with a mission, Charlie. 

**CHARLIE**   
Okay. 

**BARTLET**   
My wife is mad at me. 

**CHARLIE**   
Yes, sir. 

**BARTLET**   
And it's all my fault. 

**CHARLIE**   
If you say so, Mr. President. 

**BARTLET**   
I need to make this better. 

**CHARLIE**   
Yes, sir. 

**BARTLET**   
I need to make my wife feel better... You know what she needs? 

**CHARLIE**   
Respect and understanding? 

**BARTLET**   
Chocolate brownies. 

**CHARLIE**   
Chocolate brownies? 

**BARTLET**   
Yes, Charlie, chocolate brownies. 

**CHARLIE**   
Well, I could go order some for you, sir- 

**BARTLET**   
No, Charlie, real chocolate brownies, made by my own hand. 

**CHARLIE**   
By... _your_ own hand, Mr. President? 

**BARTLET**   
Exactly! Come on, Charlie, let's go make us some brownies! 

_He marches out excitedly, and CHARLIE stares after him for a moment._

**CHARLIE**   
Okay. 

_He follows the president._

CUT TO:   
INT. JOSH'S OFFICE   
_JOSH is at his desk, talking on the phone._

**JOSH**   
Yes. Yes. I do understand that. But- Okay. Well, if you'd just let me- No, I don't think- Okay. Yes. Goodbye. [_He scowls at the phone for a moment_] Thanks for that. 

_He looks up, and jumps as he sees DONNA in the doorway._

**DONNA** [_Amused_]   
Using the phone without me? 

**JOSH**   
I did all my own dialling, too. 

**DONNA**   
Was that the Hawkman thing? 

**JOSH**   
Yeah. 

**DONNA**   
I thought you said it was in the bag? 

**JOSH**   
It was. 

**DONNA**   
Until...? [_She frowns_] The quote? 

**JOSH**   
Yeah. 

**DONNA**   
What's that got to do with anything? 

**JOSH** [_Sarcastic_]   
Apparently it 'throws doubt on the character of this administration'. 

**DONNA**   
This administration has character? 

**JOSH**   
Not any more, allegedly. 

**DONNA**   
Remind me again why we want this deal, anyway? 

**JOSH**   
Because... because. We've been working on it a long time. 

**DONNA**   
It's amazing your debating skills didn't sway the guy on the other end of that phone. 

**JOSH**   
I know. How was your meeting? 

**DONNA**   
We should give these people money. 

**JOSH**   
We haven't got any. 

**DONNA**   
You're going to spend money on the Hawkman thing. 

**JOSH**   
It's an investment. 

**DONNA**   
And educating women in technology subjects isn't? 

**JOSH**   
Well yeah, but it doesn't bring us any tangible return. 

**DONNA**   
Good will. Votes. The girls'll be grateful. 

**JOSH**   
Yeah, but to WITS, not to us. 

**DONNA**   
I'd've been grateful, if WITS had come to me when I was in college. I could've had a degree in Cybernetics by now. 

**JOSH**   
Along with the Political Science and Government, Sociology and Psychology, Biology, French and Drama? 

**DONNA**   
You remembered all my majors and minors? 

**JOSH**   
I am the Memory Man. 

**DONNA**   
You're really not. 

**JOSH**   
You're mocking my memory? 

**DONNA**   
What memory? 

**JOSH**   
I have a great memory. 

**DONNA**   
And you have a meeting you're supposed to be in. 

**JOSH**   
I remembered that. 

**DONNA**   
It started fifteen minutes ago. 

_JOSH scrambles to his feet and dashes out._

**DONNA** [_Calling after him_]   
Give them the money, Josh! 

CUT TO:   
INT. JOSH'S BULLPEN (CONTINUOUS)   
_JOSH rushes out. He passes SAM in the corridor, then turns and stops._

**JOSH**   
Sam? 

**SAM**   
Yeah? 

**JOSH**   
Were you in a fight? 

**SAM**   
No, I, I hit myself in the face with a door. 

_JOSH smirks._

**JOSH**   
You, yourself? As in without any outside intervention? 

**SAM**   
I gotta- I gotta go do a thing. 

**JOSH** [_Calling after him_]   
Watch out for those doors! 

_SAM scurries away and we follow JOSH through the corridors. CJ comes up to join him._

**CJ**   
Joshua. 

**JOSH**   
Claudia Jean. 

**CJ**   
Shouldn't you be meeting on the Hawkman proposal? 

**JOSH**   
I'm on my way. Something, uh, something came up. 

**CJ**   
Did you talk to the women from WITS? 

**JOSH**   
Donna did it. 

**CJ**   
Josh. 

**JOSH** [_Defensively_]   
She wanted to do it! 

**CJ**   
We should take them seriously. 

**JOSH**   
We do. 

**CJ**   
We're not giving them any money, are we? 

**JOSH**   
We haven't got any. 

**CJ**   
We're spending money on the Hawkman proposal. Which, by the way, we all know is a complete waste of- 

**JOSH**   
Are you gonna be saying that in the briefing? 'Cause I gotta- 

**CJ**   
No, Josh, I will defend your dumb-ass proposal to the hilt, and stand up there to proudly usher in this new era of cooperation. 

**JOSH**   
Or not. 

**CJ**   
Hawkman's holding out? 

**JOSH**   
Apparently they're not happy with our character. 

**CJ**   
Our- [_Realising_] the quote? 

**JOSH**   
Yeah. 

**CJ**   
They don't like the fact that we stick up for our own? 

**JOSH**   
Apparently not. 

**CJ**   
This is all we need. 

**JOSH**   
Leo's ready to tear the place apart over it. He's taking it personally. 

**CJ**   
He doesn't like it when our guys stick up for him. 

**JOSH**   
Yeah. 

**CJ**   
So I'm going out there to tell the press we're working on a proposal we don't like that might not go through anyway, and tracking down the source of a quote that we're not sorry about? 

**JOSH**   
You could also tell them the White House Deputy Director of Communications has trouble with walking through doors. 

**CJ**   
It's a real red-letter day for the administration, isn't it? 

**JOSH**   
Oh yeah. 

_CJ heads off towards the briefing room and JOSH continues on his way._

CUT TO:   
INT. LEO'S OFFICE   
_SAM lingers a little sheepishly in the doorway; LEO doesn't look up._

**SAM**   
Leo? 

**LEO**   
Sam. 

**SAM**   
About the Hawkman thing- 

**LEO**   
It's not going through. 

**SAM**   
It's not? 

**LEO**   
I just spoke to Josh on the phone. We're not getting it back. 

**SAM**   
'Cause I was gonna say, it wasn't a very good- 

**LEO**   
Yeah. 

_There is a brief pause. LEO is still working and not looking up._

**SAM**   
Leo, if you find the guy- 

**LEO**   
He'll be dealt with. 

**SAM**   
Leo, he was only defending- 

**LEO**   
We don't do that in this White House, Sam. 

**SAM**   
-Only defending you from Darren Kolberg, who's a- 

**LEO**   
I don't need defending, Sam, I'm a big boy now. 

**SAM**   
Leo, he's a hack! We shouldn't be defending his right to free speech, we ought to be suing him for libel. 

**LEO**   
This is the way we do things, Sam. 

**SAM** [_Subsiding_]   
Yeah. 

**LEO**   
Do this thing for Toby. 

**SAM**   
The summary? Leo, that's a job for the interns! 

**LEO**   
He wants you to do it. 

**SAM**   
He's punishing me. 

**LEO**   
Go. 

**SAM**   
He's punishing me because I rewrote the D-section for the president's address last Thursday. 

**LEO**   
Sam. Go. 

_SAM lingers awkwardly for a minute._

**SAM** [_Blurting out_]   
I walked into a door, okay? 

_He dashes off, and LEO looks up for the first time. He blinks in puzzlement._

**LEO**   
Okay. 

_He goes back to his work._

CUT TO:   
INT. OUTSIDE OVAL OFFICE   
_NANCY looks up in bemusement as BARTLET approaches, bearing a plate of chocolate brownies. CHARLIE follows behind with a resigned expression._

**BARTLET** [_Waving plate expansively_]   
Ah, Nancy! Smell those! Those are real, home-baked chocolate brownies! 

**NANCY**   
Home-baked, Mr. President? 

**BARTLET**   
Made 'em myself. 

**CHARLIE**   
And I stood by with the fire extinguisher. 

**BARTLET** [_Wagging a finger sternly_]   
Less of your cheek, young Charlie. Have I not proven my ability to bake beyond all reasonable doubt? 

**CHARLIE**   
Well, you didn't set the kitchen on fire, Mr. President, so I'm counting it a positive experience. 

**BARTLET**   
Just for that, Charlie, you will be barred from sampling the produce. 

**CHARLIE**   
I thought they were for the First Lady, Mr. President? 

**BARTLET**   
They are. But now I'm going to tell her not to give you any. 

_He ducks into the Oval Office._

**NANCY**   
Uh, Mr. President? The First Lady's gone. 

**BARTLET** [_Appearing in the doorway._]   
Gone? 

**NANCY**   
She left early. 

**BARTLET** [_Loudly_]   
Godammit! 

**CHARLIE**   
Guess the First Lady won't be getting her chocolate brownies after all. 

**BARTLET**   
You're still not having any. [_Turns to NANCY_] Nancy, get me a camera. 

**NANCY**   
A... camera? 

**BARTLET**   
Yes, Nancy, a camera! Use your initiative. Stop a tourist. Mug a reporter. Buy one, I don't care. But get me a camera. 

_He goes back into the Oval, and NANCY and CHARLIE exchange glances._

**CHARLIE**   
I'd just humour him if I were you. 

**BARTLET** [_Yelling from off-screen_]   
I heard that! 

_CHARLIE rolls his eyes and NANCY leaves._

FADE OUT.

END ACT TWO.

ACT THREE:

FADE IN:   
INT. COMMUNICATIONS BULLPEN   
_SAM is walking along. People smirk at him as he passes._

**PASSING STAFFER**   
Been in a fight, Sam? 

**SAM**   
No, I, I walked into a door. 

_He sees Ginger grinning at him._

**SAM**   
It was a door! 

**GINGER**   
That's what they all say. 

**SAM**   
Can't you people leave me to die in peace? 

_He goes into his office._

CUT TO:   
INT. SAM'S OFFICE (CONTINUOUS)   
_SAM jumps as he sees TOBY._

**SAM**   
Do you live here now? 

**TOBY**   
The summary, Sam. 

**SAM**   
I'm too qualified! 

**TOBY**   
Then it won't take you very long. 

**SAM**   
This is taking me away from more important work. 

**TOBY**   
Hawkman's not going through, you have no work. 

**SAM**   
I could find something more useful to do. 

**TOBY**   
Like learn how to walk through doors? 

**SAM** [_Slumping down into his chair_]   
Give me the draft. 

CUT TO:   
INT. OUTSIDE CJ'S OFFICE   
_CJ walks up to CAROL._

**CJ**   
Carol, what have I got-? 

**DERRICK** [_Calling out from behind her_]   
CJ! 

**CJ** [_To CAROL_]   
Reporters, following me, that's what I've got. 

_CAROL gives her a sympathetic shrug._

**CJ** [_Turning on her heel_]   
Derrick. 

**DERRICK**   
CJ. 

**CJ**   
What can I do for you this fine and glorious afternoon? 

**DERRICK**   
The quote. 

**CJ** [_Rolling her eyes_]   
We're investigating it. 

**DERRICK**   
I know you are. 

**CJ**   
Well, then. 

**DERRICK**   
I also know who said it. 

_CJ looks at him for a moment, and then opens the door to her office._

**CJ**   
In. 

CUT TO:   
INT. CJ'S OFFICE (CONTINUOUS)   
_CJ closes the door behind them and turns to face DERRICK._

**CJ**   
You know who made the quote? 

**DERRICK**   
Yes. 

**CJ**   
Who? 

**DERRICK**   
I'm not telling. 

**CJ**   
Derrick- 

**DERRICK**   
You know something? 

**CJ**   
Apparently you know more than I do. 

**DERRICK**   
Leo McGarry's a good man. 

**CJ** [_Slowly_]   
Yes he is. 

**DERRICK**   
And Darren Kolberg's a disgrace to the face of journalism. 

**CJ** [_Half amused_]   
You people have standards now? 

**DERRICK**   
CJ. 

**CJ** [_Unapologetic_]   
Sorry. 

**DERRICK**   
I'm not publishing the source. [_CJ looks at him_] Leo McGarry's a good man. 

**CJ**   
Yes. 

**DERRICK**   
And he's not the only guy who ever found himself with a few more bottles of scotch than he really ought to need. 

_They exchange a long and meaningful look. CJ breaks it first._

**CJ**   
Thank you. 

**DERRICK**   
I don't like Kolberg. I don't want to follow his lead. 

**CJ**   
You're a good guy. 

**DERRICK**   
Just don't let it get around. 

**CJ**   
Yeah. 

**DERRICK**   
I just wanted to let you know. I understand. Maybe some guys wouldn't. 

**CJ**   
And I appreciate it. 

_DERRICK turns to go; CJ calls him back._

**CJ**   
Derrick. 

**DERRICK**   
Yeah? 

**CJ**   
Hawkman's. It's not going through. 

**DERRICK**   
It's not? 

**CJ**   
No. 

**DERRICK** [_After a moment_]   
Good. 

**CJ**   
Yeah. 

**DERRICK**   
Okay. 

**CJ**   
The source? 

**DERRICK**   
I'm still not telling. 

**CJ**   
Okay. 

_He leaves. CJ looks thoughtful for a moment, and then smiles._

CUT TO:   
INT. LEO'S OFFICE   
_LEO is at his desk. JOSH comes in._

**LEO**   
Josh. 

**JOSH**   
CJ's leaked Hawkman's to the press. 

**LEO** [_Nodding_]   
Okay. 

**JOSH**   
It was a bad deal anyway. 

**LEO**   
Yeah. 

**JOSH**   
We saved ourselves some money. 

**LEO**   
We did. 

**JOSH** [_After a moment_]   
I might have a thing. 

_LEO looks up at him expectantly._

CUT TO:   
INT. OUTSIDE LEO'S OFFICE   
_JOSH emerges and nods at MARGARET._

**JOSH**   
Hey, Margaret. 

**MARGARET**   
Hey. 

_JOSH leaves, and Margaret just stands there for a moment. Then she approaches Leo's doorway._

CUT TO:   
INT. LEO'S OFFICE (CONTINUOUS) 

**LEO**   
Margaret. 

**MARGARET**   
Leo, about this source you've been looking for... 

**LEO**   
Yeah? 

**MARGARET**   
I realise that this is quite a sensitive subject area, and- 

**LEO**   
Margaret. 

**MARGARET**   
-You don't like people making statements about- 

**LEO**   
Margaret. 

_He gives her a look._

**LEO** [_With a long-suffering expression_]   
What is it, Margaret? 

**MARGARET**   
This quote... 

**LEO**   
Yes. 

**MARGARET**   
It might have been me. 

_LEO slowly looks up to meet her eyes._

**LEO**   
Excuse me? 

**MARGARET**   
I may have said that. 

**LEO**   
You may have said that Darren Kolberg is a swollen-headed, pompous, bitter, ill-informed and arrogant jackass? 

**MARGARET**   
Yes. 

**LEO**   
To a reporter. 

**MARGARET**   
To several people. 

_They exchange another long look. LEO shuffles papers._

**LEO**   
Okay. 

**MARGARET**   
Okay? 

**LEO**   
Go. Work. 

**MARGARET**   
Okay. 

_MARGARET nods rapidly and scuttles off. LEO looks after her thoughtfully for a moment._

CUT TO:   
INT. JOSH'S BULLPEN   
_DONNA stands up as JOSH approaches._

**JOSH**   
Hey. 

**DONNA**   
Hey. 

**JOSH**   
I need you to go back in there and give our answer to the people from WITS. 

**DONNA**   
Josh. 

**JOSH**   
Write this down. 

**DONNA**   
Josh, I don't- 

**JOSH**   
Get a piece of paper, Donna. 

_DONNA picks up a notepad and pen and gives him a look._

**DONNA**   
The least you could do is actually talk to them yourself. 

**JOSH**   
Take this down. 

**DONNA**   
You know, actually give them the benefit of talking to somebody official. Instead of me. Since, obviously, nobody listens to my opinion round here. 

**JOSH**   
The White House has spent some time considering the initiatives you propose- 

**DONNA**   
That was nice of us. 

**JOSH**   
-And after careful consideration- 

**DONNA**   
You've said consideration twice now. 

**JOSH**   
-We've decided to give your program the full funding that you asked for. 

**DONNA**   
Well, that's just- [_She stops, and JOSH grins triumphantly at her_] You're giving them the funding? 

**JOSH**   
We are. 

**DONNA**   
You said we didn't have the money! 

**JOSH**   
We didn't. 

**DONNA**   
And we do now? 

**JOSH**   
Since Hawkman's fell through. 

**DONNA**   
And you're just... taking the money from that and giving it to WITS? 

**JOSH** [_Grinning_]   
Yeah. 

**DONNA**   
You can do that? 

**JOSH**   
Leo okayed it. 

**DONNA**   
You suggested it to him? 

**JOSH**   
Yeah. 

**DONNA**   
Why? 

_JOSH smiles at her._

**JOSH**   
Because we can never have too many witty women. 

_DONNA beams back. A moment later, CJ sticks her head in the door._

**CJ**   
Guys? Coming out for drinks? 

**JOSH** [_Standing_]   
What's the occasion? 

_CJ pauses for a moment, then smiles._

**CJ**   
Today has been... a pretty good day. 

**JOSH** [_Smiling back_]   
It has, hasn't it? Come on, Donna. 

_They leave._

CUT TO:   
INT. SAM'S OFFICE   
_SAM and TOBY have their heads close together as they study a document intensely._

**SAM**   
We can cut sixteen. 

**TOBY**   
It needs sixteen. 

**SAM**   
What about nine? 

**TOBY**   
You'd only have to slip it back in somewhere else. [_He rubs his eyes_] What are we down to? 

**SAM**   
Five and a half pages. 

_TOBY thumps the desk dramatically._

**TOBY**   
Two and half to go! 

**SAM**   
We can nail this. 

**TOBY**   
Yes, we can! 

_They pay little attention as CJ, JOSH and DONNA arrive in the doorway._

**JOSH**   
You guys coming out for drinks? 

**SAM**   
We're not done here. 

**CJ**   
Is it something important? 

**TOBY**   
Not even slightly. [_To SAM_] Four? 

**SAM** [_Shaking his head_]   
We need four, it's the bridge into the second section. 

**TOBY**   
Damn. 

**JOSH**   
Suit yourself. 

**CJ**   
We'll be down at the Four Seasons if you want to drop by. 

**SAM**   
Yeah. 

**TOBY**   
Whatever. 

_Neither looks away from the document as the others leave._

**TOBY**   
What about sixteen? 

**SAM**   
Oh, I could live without sixteen. 

**TOBY** [_Expansively_]   
Well, cut it out, by God! 

_SAM grabs a pen and scribbles furiously._

CUT TO:   
INT. HOTEL ROOM   
_ABBEY is sitting on the bed. She reads a few pages of a report and then drops it in disgust._

_There is a knock on the door._

**ABBEY** [_Snappish_]   
What? 

_A young AIDE cautiously pokes her head in._

**AIDE**   
Ma'am? There should be, uh, a fax coming through for you. 

**ABBEY** [_Frowning_]   
From the organisers? 

**AIDE**   
From the White House. 

_She quickly flees whilst ABBEY looks at the fax machine across the room with a puzzled frown. The fax makes noises and spits out a piece of paper. ABBEY picks it up and stares at it for a moment. Then she starts to laugh. She moves over to the phone and quickly dials._

**ABBEY** [_Into phone, still amused_]   
Put me through to my husband. 

_She holds the paper up to look at it, and the camera closes in. We see it's a photograph of a plate of chocolate brownies, with the words "I Wanted to Say I'm Sorry" hand-written underneath._

**ABBEY** [_Into phone_]   
Hey, babe. How's it going? 

_She pulls up her knees under her on the bed, and smiles as she listens to the voice on the other end._

FADE TO BLACK

END


End file.
